Is This Anxiety?

I had started and deleted this post so many times now, but I think it’s time to just say what I want to say.

I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and I don’t really believe in coincidences. 99% of the time I don’t actually know why certain things happen, but I feel like I would be crazy to think it’s all just a coincidence. 

So… A few months ago I was asked if I would consider myself an anxious person. At the time it didn’t pay much attention to the question and I’m pretty sure I replied with a rubbish answer like “I don’t know, maybe, yeah, I don’t know, sometimes”.

A few days after that question the conversation about anxiety and depression came up with me and my mum, just general chit chat and my mum sharing her counselling experiences. Possibly a few days after that conversation, whilst I was on twitter I saw a few posts on anxiety and mental health. As usual I didn’t think anything of it. Until I came across one post that made me stop and think…“Wait, do I have anxiety?”.

Quirktastic (previously known as Quirky, Brown Love) did a post on anxiety and depression – 7 Articles That Are Helping Me Accept My Anxiety And Depression

I read through the post, clicked a few of the articles linked and found myself feeling very familiar with some of the things mentioned. Even though I could relate to some of the traits mentioned, I was still hesitant to call it anxiety. I didn’t want to self diagnose myself, plus I didn’t want to call it anxiety only to then be told it’s actually not anxiety. I guess you could say I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

“People that know me in real life know that I am generally a happy person. At any time of the day, you are bound to catch me smiling or laughing with a friend; however, even through the smiles, there are times that I’m battling with my inner-self to feel present, alive and valuable”.

I’ve heard the word happy used to describe me so many times, which definitely isn’t a bad thing. However it’s always made me feel restricted, I felt as if I had to be happy all of the time and then when I wasn’t so happy I would remind myself of how lucky I am. I am lucky, very lucky, but that does not mean I don’t have days where I wish things were different.

I’m aware of what I have and what I’m in control of possibly having, but I still get in my feelings.

“It’s going back and forth between everyone else has it together but you, and so many people have it tougher than you”.

Maybe a year or so ago I did actually look up the definition of depression, because I thought that whatever it is that I’m experiencing might actually depression. At the time it didn’t think it was depression, but now I feel like it might be a very mild case of depression, like I just have depressive thoughts and moments.Overthinking everything and anything is something I’ve done for as long as I can remember. Up until now I used to just think it was part of my personality. I’m just a bit of a stress head and extremely indecisive. I just hide it pretty well….I think.

“Dancing in the living room, pretending it’s for fun, when really it’s a choreographed routine of desperation, trying to tire out the thoughts stuck in your head”.

“Who’s been watching me?” followed by “shit!” Was my exact thoughts after reading that line. If you was to ask my mum or siblings “what is the one random thing Saabirah does?” I’m pretty sure their answer would be: “she randomly breaks into song and dance”. I wasn’t conscious of the fact that when I did have my random singing and dancing outbursts,  it was actually because I was suppressing a bunch of overwhelming thoughts. I caught myself doing it the other day. The room was filled with silence, I had a lot on my mind and I ended up dancing in the living room, while my mum and sister carried on doing whatever it was that they were doing. My family would probably say “that’s just Saabirah” which is particularly true. It’s really mixture of my attention seeking Leo personality traits and I guess my anxiety.I’ve not called this whole thing anxiety before, because I’m very good at playing things down.

It’s not that deep.

It’s not even that serious.

Everyone feels like this.

Are a few of things that I tell myself on a daily basis. Just because it’s hard to believe that someone like me, someone who’s seen as so happy, always laughing and smiling has a “problem”.The lack of control over it is something that really gets to me. Not being able to control these negative thoughts and feelings, even though it’s surprisingly easy for me to tell a friend or a family member to stay positive. I’m constantly frustrated with myself, constantly trying to trick myself into thinking positively, constantly telling myself and everyone around me that I’m fine. When really I’m not fine, but I have no idea where to start or what to do in order to get to a place where I can honestly say that I am fine, without faking a smile or holding back tears.

I just wanted to get this off my chest, there’s no real reason for this post. I just needed to release some of my thoughts and hopefully this post takes some of the weight off of my shoulders *fingers crossed.

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