New Year, New Approach, Same Overwhelming Feeling

I thought this year would be different, but there’s just something about a New Year that overwhelms me, to the point where doing nothing feels like my only option. 

Overwhelmed

I started the year super positive and purposely without making any specific New Years goals. The mere question “what are your plans for the new year” ignited fear and anxiety. Fear of failing to achieve any of the goals I had set myself for the year. A common feeling for me around this time of year, ever since I left the security and structure of school and college.

Even though I didn’t intend to set any goals, I still managed to come up with a few things I want to do this year – I did a post on that December: What A YearA little warning, I briefly speak about the lost of a family member in this post. You can skip straight to the ‘Take A Break‘ Subheading

Family

I haven’t experienced the passing of a close family member before, it isn’t something anyone can prepare you for. Even though we do not live forever, there are still those special people you want to hold onto forever. Grandparents are those people you dread saying goodbye to. 

I haven’t addressed this much as I have yet to really grasp the reality of a life without my granny. Feelings of regret for not seeing her enough when she was well, and only seeing her when she became ill.

I got the news in the early hours, the day after I went to visit her. I made my way to work as normal. I felt really strange but as I still made it to work without passing out or breaking down I thought I was alright to be honest.  

Do I write about the loss of a family member when I’ve yet to really process my emotions and feelings towards it all. Am I internalizing that “be strong” mentality all over again? I really don’t know, I am trying to mentally prepare for the funeral and it still doesn’t seem real at all. 

Take A Break

Then we get to day 10 of the first month of the new year and I’m feeling stuck. A familiar feeling, a feeling I really dislike. I have things to do and yet I want to do nothing but to stay in bed. Writing a blog post becomes a challenge, self doubt loudly kicks in and the sense of not wanting to miss out on anything traps me in a vicious cycle of wanting to create content whilst battling a strong case of writers block. I took a little break to refocus, to figure out what is next for me.

I guess I do not know how to really take a break as I wrote the base of this post on said break. My mum said it just goes to show that “this is what you’re supposed to be doing“. I guess she is right, even when I doubt myself. I remind myself of all that has happened recently and it brings me back to reality. It is okay to take a break, the content will always come because It is what I love to do. I just need breaks every now and again, because I always put too much pressure on myself.  I want to do well but I also want to just go with the flow, so I guess you can see why I get overwhelmed so easily.

Brave

I was recently interviewed for Detangled Hair‘s blog, and Serena the founder of Detangled Hair said I was “brave” for putting so much of myself out there for the world to see.

The word brave never crossed my mind before, I just felt a sense of urgency to get as much off of my chest as possible. When you bottle yourself up for as long as I have and finally find a way to let the thoughts flow, it almost becomes addictive. The freedom is scary, but I feel so much lighter. I know my vulnerability is part of something bigger. Not only do I do what I do for me, but I want to be part of the change, feeling alone and misunderstood sucks, so if I can help someone feel less of any of that then I will do what I can.

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