Photos Taken By: Anya R Thompson @ The Good To Me Launch Event

I recently downloaded the Headspace app, so that I could give mediation a proper go. I have tried mediation before, but seriously struggle with staying present. Silence tends to invite a bunch of thoughts. The app basically talks you through your session, encouraging breathing exercises and practising stillness.

I went into mediation knowing I would not see the benefit straight away, as much as I secretly wished I would become this peaceful, present being, I knew that would not be the case after just one session. I just wanted to able to separate myself from my thoughts, and to develop a healthy balance.

My First Session

My first session was interesting, they recommend sitting on a chair, but me being me, I decided to try it sitting on my bed, with my back against the wall. I put my headphones on to avoid any distraction, placed my phone and vibrate and begun. Instantly afterwards I felt light, a few minutes later the over thinking returned. I didn’t beat myself up about it because I knew I only had one session, I needed to give myself time.

I made a decision to do a few minutes of mediation before work, to start my day off right. Alternating between sitting on my bed and sitting on a chair.

I Stopped Meditating 

After a few sessions in, seven sessions actually, I stopped. Initially I didn’t know why,  but I just stopped opening up the app. A few days went by and I still hadn’t returned to mediation. I found that it was distracting not sitting in a chair, because I conscious of the fact that my feet weren’t on the floor, so whenever it was mentioned in the session I would have to think about where my feet where and what they were doing.

I found myself feeling overwhelmed more, to the point where all I wanted to do was call in sick to work and spend most days doing nothing. The thought of going into work made me want to cry. I would have to talk myself into it and force myself not to make that call. It was almost like things got worse because I stopped. Then i would beat myself up about it and still not return to meditation, it just became a vicious cycle.

Photos Taken By: Anya R Thompson @ The Good To Me Launch Event


So What Did Mediation Teach Me?

If you saw my instagram story a while back, you would know that attempted meditation one last time. I felt really overwhelmed and realised I never did anything about it, so I took myself for a walk. On this walk I opened up the app and begun my 10 minute session. Again I instantly felt better, I knew most of it was due to the walk and breathing exercises. I know walks help, and yet I don’t do it enough. That’s when I started thinking and hopped onto my instagram stories to share my thoughts with you.

Shanley founder of Good To Me reached out to me after watching my story. She recently attended an event that touched on mediation, and told me that a lot of professionals would write off walking and mediating. But one of the women at the event stated that she can successfully mediate whilst walking. I completely thought I was crazy for trying to mediate whilst walking, but the combination of the fresh air and breathing exercises worked well for me, so it was encouraging to hear that and made me rethink my approach to mediation.

If you missed it, want to hear what I said and want to know the inspiration for this post then you can rewatch it on my instagram highlights under ‘Self Care/Self Love‘.

I unrealistically wanted to see the benefits straight away, I wanted the self doubt, sadness and hopelessness to disappear with each exhale. Only to exhale and for everything to be exactly the same. I did wonder where these unrealistic expectations came from, but it was all me. I wanted to see change but with little to no effort from my part, which is pretty scary to admit.

Like a lot of other experiences in life, mediation taught me a lot about myself. In a way it only highlighted what I already knew, but in true Saabirah style I ignored it.

It highlighted the fact that I don’t treat myself very well. Walking helps me, but it takes for me to get to breaking point to realise that I need to go for a walk.

Photos Taken By: Anya R Thompson @ The Good To Me Launch Event

I have found self awareness to be an overwhelming experience recently. At first questioning myself and unravelling the layers was interesting, but now it almost seems like too much information for me to process. This is also how I feel about my mental health, there is so much affecting my mental health, what needs to be addressed and changed first?

I guess I thought mediation would give me the peace and clarity to be able to tackle my issues head on. I expected meditation to silence my thoughts, so I could get on with everything. However mediation doesn’t stop the thoughts, it just allows the peace for them to pass by. For now I am taking a break from mediation and I hope to return to it, but I will be trying some other ways to manage my thoughts in the meantime.

I would love to know your experiences with meditation? Was it easy for you? Did you go to classes?

You can also learn more about Good To Me and their launch event in the ‘Happiful Magazine’ here.

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2 thoughts on “A Few Things Meditation Has Taught Me About Myself

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