Trigger Warning: This blog post speaks about suicide so feel free to skip this post or I have put an (*) beside the paragraph where it is mentioned for you to skip.
It has been so long since I have done this. The best way for me to come back and to wrap up my blogging journey is to get into the truth about why I started blogging. This post might be all over the place and raw so I hope it all makes sense and give you some insight into why blogging has been great in the past but is kind of hard for me to get back to now as I am changing, healing and growing. I don’t know if this post is even going to be helpful, I can’t say that if you’re struggling with something life gets easier because right now I’m in that place where everything just feels a bit impossible.
Over the years I have been asked “Why did you start your blog?” “What motivated you?” “Was blogging always the plan?” “How and where did it all start?” – At the time I was asked I didn’t think too deep into it, I would say I started because I needed an outlet, my job was unfulfilling and I needed something for myself, somewhere I didn’t have to pretend.
Blogging allowed me to drop the act, and be myself… well to some degree. I started blogging because trauma created a version of me that struggled to speak up and say what was bothering me, a version of me that struggled to directly ask for help and to say what was truly on my mind. So what does someone do if they feel alone with their thoughts and feelings? Blogging probably wasn’t your first answer lol. Everyone copes differently, for me I always thought I would have an addictive personality so I didn’t do anything that could trigger that, especially as addiction runs in the family. I guess you can say I started blogging because I got desperate, I wanted to be truly seen and heard so desperately that I started to write. I got some of what I wanted but I think I didn’t get it where I wanted to get it and I think that is why I struggled to continue.
How & Where Did It All Start?
Let’s go back a little bit because starting this blog wasn’t my introduction to writing. When I was younger I would find ways to detach from reality, I would pretend to be someone else, play out the character and write up the script for that character I was playing. I was obsessed with all the dance films; You Got Served, Step Up, Save The Last Dance, and Stomp The Yard all of them, I was obsessed. My character would always be the one that you would least expect to be a great dancer. I guess I painted myself to be this underdog that everyone overlooked. As I got slightly older I stopped writing the scripts but I vividly remember how the paper looked with the coloured writing on it to queue the different lines for the different characters I had created in my head.
Then I got to secondary school which is the age where I remember my childhood the most, as I am writing this I am having some kind of epiphany, maybe I remember this part of my childhood more because we had just moved to a new home, we were settled, there was some structure, my family were close by my grandma who literally lived down the road behind us. I guess this is when my brain decided I can start forming some new memories because I barely remember my childhood, there are some moments but a lot of it is a complete blur.
Secondary school is where I started to form some more of an interest in literature and writing. I remember my first creative writing task and I was really proud of it but I am not sure If the feedback was positive or not. Either way, I remember enjoying the experience, I was definitely anxious I remember the anxiety because I wanted to be good at it, I wanted to be good at something, anything.
These were some of the moments that helped me create this blog, I guess you could say it’s a bit of a full circle moment to come from writing scripts for imaginary characters to starting a blog that has brought me so much. This blog started because I didn’t know how to break free from the “I don’t have to worry about Saabirah she’s good“. I didn’t know how to communicate that I am not good. I was coping, I was surviving, I was moving but I wasn’t really going anywhere and If that was how people thought was good for me, I no longer wanted it.
Why Did You Start Blogging?
*We hear it all of the time about those who take their lives that; they were the life of the party, always smiling and always there for their loved ones. Knowing that at many points I was described as that person made me feel some type of way. I always knew I wasn’t “good” but I had convinced myself and everyone around me that I was. So how do I create a different version of myself for people to see me, to truly see me? I started a blog.
The truth about why I started blogging was almost a cry for help, I realised it didn’t work the way I wanted it to because I had to be open, and honest in my day to day life, the very things the people who read my blog would call me. This blog was just for my thoughts, a safe place to be myself, to kind of get those closest to me to maybe get the memo that I’m not as good as they thought I was. I guess I didn’t expect any of those strangers that would read and engaged with my posts would become friends, people I would talk to, laugh with, collaborate with, and hang out with. I think it all became too real like they…you were all going to see me, see that I am not as open and honest as I am online and that the relationships I had built were all going to end when you all realised.
I wanted to be seen and heard and I got that, but not from those who I wanted it from, I mean even if I did I don’t know how I would respond to it all, how do I begin to let people in? let them help me? the one that does the helping, how do I allow myself to be vulnerable? how do I allow myself to receive it? All the questions I have asked myself and things I have spoken about on this blog before and now I am in a place where I don’t know how to use this platform because it was created for me, for me to make conversations with those around me easier, for me to get some attention from those who thought I was always good, for me to change the perception people had of me.
Now after a year in therapy I have realised that I now have to use my words, put on my big girl pants and no longer use my blog as a passive way to communicate, I have to get all up in that uncomfortable feeling. I have to be honest with myself and those around me, set and communicate my boundaries, communicate my needs and so much more. Whenever I shared something with my therapist and her response would be “did you say anything to anyone?” or “did you tell them you felt this way?” I started to realise that I avoided confrontation and feeling uncomfortable and it just made me complicit, and I wasn’t a fan of that feeling.
I am terrified of being out in the world having to show up for myself in ways that make me feel uncomfortable but I am also terrified of becoming the person who never lives their life for themselves and not for the comfort of others.
I have thought about this a lot recently and I think it’s time I say it officially, this will be my last post on this blog. I don’t see myself coming back, so I just want to say if you have read up to this point thank you! Also this blogging journey has been amazing, I will carry so many memories and lessons into my future. ❤